


The Only Person You Really Have Control Over Is Yourself, And Even That's Dodgy At Best

by Evilchuckle



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: AU, Gen, Off screen rape of OFC, Pre-Series, Prison life, Suggested prison rape, cannocial past abuse hinted at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilchuckle/pseuds/Evilchuckle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being released from prison after a wrongful rape charge Derek Morgan rebuilds his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Person You Really Have Control Over Is Yourself, And Even That's Dodgy At Best

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for character dealing with abuse found in prison eg sexual, physical, feelings of entrapment, and loss of control. Nothing is graphically or explicitly stated but it is hinted at and implied. 
> 
> Please let me know if better or more warnings should be added.
> 
> Special thanks to Kahlan_Amnell an amazing person who helped me with this.

Prison had changed Derek Morgan, of that he had no doubt. When he was twenty-one, days from receiving his degree, a rich white woman was raped. All the black men on campus had been rounded up and the victim identified him.

Being falsely accused of rape and being convicted on the evidence of an identification alone showed Derek the real face of the law. He had grown up with stories like this but his mother and father had instilled a respect for the justice system within him. Even when he wasn't brave enough himself to use it, there was still the comfort of it being there.

Two years into his nine year sentence, no chance of parole, his sister Sarah came to visit him. The Morgan family always stood by Derek, they knew his conviction was unjust and there was no chance in hell that he would ever do this. They campaigned for him, losing jobs, and partners to the cause. Derek felt so much guilt that his family were all but imprisoned with him.

But this time Sarah was bouncing with excitement. She had met a man on the bus. He was reading an article on the newly freed Calvin Willis and was wearing an Innocence Project t-shirt. The poor man didn't know what hit him when Sarah followed him off the bus and stalked him into a coffee shop. She bought him a coffee and they sat down and talked for hours.

The next day the man had phoned back, he had a friend who held a position as prosecutor in the DA's office which meant he was able to go through evidence. He had sent off previously untested DNA evidence. It wouldn't be back for weeks but once it was they'd be able to move the legal stuff forward and get Derek's conviction overturned.

Prison being what it is meant that Derek didn't hope. He smiled at his sister and then they moved on to talk about something else. Derek didn't dare think about what he would do if he got out. He knew that one day he would leave prison, walk out branded a rapist. The moment twelve good and true white men and women found him guilty his life was over. But with an overturned conviction then Derek would be able to do something. He might aim for compensation and then travel the world. Eat any food he wanted, and camp out under the stars.

But Derek wasn't hopeful. Everything was taken away from him, his father, his innocence, his football, and then finally his freedom. Being in prison was such a metaphor for his life- no choice.

-

Two weeks later the prosecutor friend of Sarah's man came to visit him. He introduced himself as Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner, it was nice to finally have a name. Hotch had spoken with the people at the Innocence Project and they were happy to take his case, but Hotch wanted to be the one to tell Derek. He hated it when his colleagues screwed up, and if Derek's case had come to his desk he would have thrown it away. The DNA didn't match Derek or the victim, but a known sex offender Henry Isaac.  
-

Three months later and Derek was released. His mom and sisters had wanted to meet him and take him out for a fancy dinner but Derek just wanted to walk home, be in control and feel a breeze on his face. He only got two blocks before he started having a panic attack. He had forgotten how big and loud and full the real world was.

Sitting in the middle of the sidewalk trying to breathe, goddamnit he's always been able to breathe before, Derek was rocking back and forwards when someone tripped over him. Shocked back into breathing Derek looked at his unwitting saviour and all he saw was a man standing over him. 

The man, helped him up and apologised. Derek stood menacingly, one of the first things he learnt in prison was how to protect himself. He wasn't a gang member so he had to find other ways to make himself feared. Looking fierce was a major part of ensuring you didn’t have to prove how tough you were. 

Derek brushed him off scowling and stormed away. He walked for a good fifteen minutes before he realised he was lost. Derek had been lucky he had only lost a little over two years of his life while it isn’t unheard of for people to lose almost twenty years. 

Chicago had changed in those two long years, he wandered a little more until he recognised the area. Only to realise all he had on him was an out of date bus pass. He sighed and walked the hour and a half home. He enjoyed the now unfamiliar burn of a long walk. 

-

Fran hated to admit it to herself but her baby had been hurt. During Derek’s incarceration the family had just stopped. They all gained one common goal, to free him. Now that he was out it was as if spring had sprung. The girls dived back into their own lives. It had been so hard on all of them, they had reached and passed the breaking point far too many times. All of them had aged at least ten years. 

Expect Derek, he now had more muscle and a presence about him. One that meant you passed him by, didn’t notice him but it also had a menacing undercurrent. She had never feared her son but now it was an almost involuntary reaction. None of them had really thought about what Derek had faced day to day in there nor about there being a period of adjustment for him when he left. 

He stayed in his room. He never left, he didn’t call anyone, he didn’t read, or help around the house. He just sat in his room. It took Fran three days to realise that Derek would only use the restroom when the house was empty. It took her a further two weeks to decide enough was enough. Maybe it wasn’t right to force him along to her timeline but she hated seeing him hurt and there being nothing she could do. 

So she made a call.

-

When Hotch got the call he was unsurprised about the contents but intrigued as to why he was called. The Innocence Project probably had a lot better information about support groups. And after he said as much Fran tutted, “he needs a friend.”

Derek Morgan was a good guy, he didn’t deserve the bad things that happened to him but then very few people did. So he agreed and popped round with some beer after work. 

-

Derek was worried he was going mad. Since being released all he wanted to do was go outside. Run, be free, dance in the rain. Find someone to love. There were so many possibilities. He had tortured himself in that cell by daydreaming about life. And now he was an exonerated man, his innocence proven and yet he kept himself locked up in his tiny bedroom. 

Each morning he would wake up, today would be the today, he would think, today he’d go cycling and then eat out and dance until the early hours of tomorrow. But it never happened. He’d wait until the house was empty then he get up and shower. He’d grab enough food to last him for the day and then he’d hide in his room.

He knew it worried his family but the just couldn’t bring himself to change. He surfed the internet and apparently a lot of people had trouble adjusting. He was just lucky his family were there to help him. 

It was Hotch coming to visit that really changed things. For some reason he allowed himself to enjoy something. They both talked about their futures. Hotch was getting married, he had such a dopey smile when he talked about her, he was also considering a career change. 

They talked about Derek options. Go back to school, get a job, travel the world. The process of suing would take a while but it was certainly worth doing. But Derek needed to be doing something. 

-

Hotch came over every fortnight or so and Derek slowly started coming out of his room. Eating meals with his mother, going for short walks with Sarah, catching up on TV with Desirée. He got himself a new cell phone and sent jokes to his mother. He could feel himself start to relax and the energy to do something more build up. It wasn’t perfect, the slightest noise would wake him up, touching Derek was a big no-no. But nobody mentioned it, the family not ready to taint their victory with reality.

-

Hotch was pissy, he was moving into law enforcement and training required he move out the city. He had brought a fixer upper however he and Haley had never gotten round to it. So now he had a rundown house that no one was willing to buy. He vented at Derek until he had a brainwave. “Derek, are you busy this weekend? Haley and I are making one last push to get the house respectable. Fancy hanging some wallpaper?” Derek froze. Leaving the house for ten minutes with Sarah was one thing going to this man’s house was another entirely. He was scared but it was the good kind, the push you into something that you need to do kind. Derek nodded, and agreed to come round 9am on Saturday morning. The conversation moved on the basketball and Derek’s heart pounded away.

He had three days to dwell on it. He came close but he never cancelled. He leisurely surfed the web, he could do that now, and asked Jeeves about home improvement. He found videos of a comedy he vaguely remembered, and he read up everything from knocking down walls to changing the fuse in a plug. 

-

Getting out the house and doing something was amazing for Derek. If he wasn’t with his friend and his wife he would have called it orgasmic. Derek had enjoyed a lot of free time in prison, and he ended up devouring the small library. There had been enough fanstay fiction for Derek to pick up on the tropes. And Derek could enjoy how his life was one of these. He had found his calling, something he enjoyed and was naturally good at. 

DIY was something Derek could do and enjoy. He was keeping his mind and body busy. There was something tangible at the end. Something he had fixed. Derek didn’t want to psychoanalyse himself but he could see how it might be ‘therapeutic’ after what he had suffered. 

Hotch seemed to pick up on the fact that Derek wasn’t scowling. He was far from smiling but his face was not in its usual frown. He was also pleased about the free quality labour he was getting. 

Haley and Derek seemed to be building a relationship bickering over wallpaper glue. Then over whether milk goes in the cup before or after the tea. Then over whether it was worth retitling the restroom. It was all good natured and they always seemed to settle on option C never something one of them originally suggested. 

-

The next weekend Derek was helping to lay new carpets. He had spent the week searching around the city and found an excellent deal for the Hotchners. Hotch was ‘supervising’ when he made a suggestion. The coffee break room at the Innocence Project’s Chicago office needed repainting. Hotch wasn’t as subtle at hinting as he thought he was but Derek was starting to rebuild small amounts of confidence. 

The Innocence Project was an amazing thing and Derek was happy to help in any small way. So he let Hotch volunteer him for it. 

-

So that was how two weeks later Derek found himself in a small dark room painting it an interesting shade of red. An intern was glaring at Derek, upset that he had to leave the building for his coffee run while the room was being painted. But Derek didn’t mind his bitch face was by far the more impressive. 

He was absent-mindedly humming a tune when a young man stumbled into the room.  
“Hey man you need a hand?” Derek looked over to a lanky tall kid. He appeared to be all limbs and still growing into them. Partly because he enjoyed the solitude and partly because he didn’t want to end up with paint on him Derek declined the offer. 

He nodded and lent against the room’s sink. “That fine, it’s great that you’re doing this but you really should open a window. While most paints differ in ingredients most do contain volatile organic compounds, and they’re not good for you in fact last year almost...”

Derek cut the kid off with a glare. 

“Wow, that was impressive. I’m hungry, was in a rush and didn’t have time for breakfast. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day; studies have shown that almost 41% of people don’t eat breakfast. You are 3 times more likely to get in a car accident of your own fault if you don’t have breakfast.”

Derek huffed. 

“Oh, I’m bothering you aren’t I? I’m sorry but it’s just nice to have someone to talk to. I’m somewhat of a fanboy and love the work done here. I’m half way through my third PhD and I like to come here to turn off. It’s interesting reading all the cases. Some of the others here don’t like me. I talk too much, and bring them new cases. And right I’m heading to get a soda do you want one? And seriously open a window.” Derek begrudgingly asked for a coke and the kid disappeared.  
-

It only took two days to paint the break room, but it felt much longer. Spencer, the kid, was a hyperactive little shit. He talked non-stop and had they been in prison Derek would have made him go away. But Derek wasn’t a criminal, sometimes locked up in a cold dark cell, listening to fights and stories of rape and murder, Derek wondered if, when he finally got out whether he would be one of them. Nature vs. Nurture. Spencer showed Derek that while his temper may be a little shorter now, and why he certainly doesn’t trust anyone, he didn’t resort to violence. He was still Derek, not a criminal. 

-

The successes of DIY caused Fran to spread word. Soon neighbours were calling to ask if Derek could help them out. He never charged much, and found doing something and helping to be calming. He still panicked when he was outside for too long. Really had the sun always been so bright? But he was starting to move through it.

-

Derek attended Hotch’s ‘House Cooling Party’ Haley really was the more fun of the two. She spent the whole evening chuckling and repeating her joke, ‘when you move in you warm it and we’re leaving so..’ Derek didn’t expect it but Hotch was a friend, one he was going to miss. Spencer was there but he seemed to be talking the ear off some old woman Derek didn’t know or want to. 

What really made the evening memorable was Louise, a colleague of Hotch’s, she, along with Derek were one of the few to not get drunk, they chatted for a bit, about baseball. Then they went to her car and fucked. 

Derek was nowhere near ready for a relationship. He hadn’t had sex in almost a little over three years. He had been so busy with final exams he hadn’t had time before. And after prison he just couldn’t. It was fear. Fear of being the rapist the world had branded him as. Fear of being used, of being vulnerable. He wasn’t putting himself in any position to be approached or approach girls but now there was Louise. She initiated it all. They were both fully consenting and both aware it was just sex. 

Derek would later be ashamed as to how quick it was. But for those brief minutes Derek felt, he didn’t worry, or ruminate, he just felt good. It was freeing and relaxing and holy crap did Derek have years to catch up on. 

-

It was the date with the teacher that got Derek thinking. They were sitting in a diner having met at a yoga class. Derek had had a fair few flings over the six months since Hotch had left. That was the only thing that really changed, well that and looking after Spencer at Hotch’s request. 

The date had been going well. Derek had almost been relieved when it had stalled. Good things in his life made him nervous. Vicky had been going on about how cute her fifth graders were, and how they were talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up. It hadn’t been spite or nasty on her part but Vicky hinted that maybe Derek wanted to do something more than part-time handyman.

The morning after Sarah, and Spencer were in the same diner with Derek listen to him bitch about it. They both let him rant, enjoying their pancakes, until they shared a look. Derek wasn’t too far gone in righteous indignation to miss it. 

Derek had gotten into the habit of making mountain out of molehills. Partly it was because he needed some conflict or something to worry about in his life. But mainly it was because he liked being able to be dramatic about the little things. His life was simple now, easy, being able to overly worry about the things that didn’t matter was a luxury he hadn’t been able to afford in prison. It showed what an 180 his life had taken. 

His family and friends were supportive and understanding about it. So Derek had been expecting them to support his rant, but that look. 

Spencer and Sarah tried to silently communicate which of them should talk to Derek but their ‘indiscrete’ whispering and poking didn’t seem to determine a winner. Derek didn’t glare; he was slowly relearning how to use words. That he didn’t need to use fear and intimidation to stay safe anymore. 

“Sarah, Spencer is there something you wish to talk to me about?”

“Oh, Der. Vicky was wrong totally out of order to belittle your choices, but you were always the brain of the family. Don’t let shit ruin your life.”

Derek blinked. He felt rage suddenly build up inside of him. Sarah had been there. She has some inkling as to what the hell Derek had been through. It wasn’t a simple case of being lazy. His life had been ruined, and he was perfectly happy with how he had pulled it all together. How dare she, how dare Spencer. How dare they all. 

Derek stormed out and home. He locked himself back up in his room and lay down on bed. Dreaming up the life he would have led had justice been real. Imagining the wife he might have, the places he could have been. He would have tried to follow in his father’s footsteps, joined the CPD. But now with his fucking criminal record he couldn’t, self-employed part-time handy man was the best he could hope for. He enjoyed it, he could make good money off it. There was nothing wrong with it. Nobody is too good or too low for a job. 

A text buzzed through, Derek was tempted to ignore but saw it was from Hotch. ‘Just remember you don’t have a criminal record.’

Derek just stared it. The man had scary timing. Derek called him. 

“Hotch,” Derek swallowed, when had he started crying?

“Sarah let me know. I read your college applications back when I was working on your case. You had such dreams, and they’ve all been crushed. You’ve worked so hard and you’re going to have to keep working. Don’t let them win.”

“Hotch, I don’t need a motivational speech. I just. I trusted the police, I respected them. I know that at the end of the day it wasn’t their fault but. But what hell.” Derek picked up a DVD case and threw it to the other side of the room. It didn’t help. “Hotch I wanted to join the police so bad, save lives, protect my community. But I won’t join after what happened. How can I trust them, how can I just forgive and forget.” Derek sighed. “Hotch, I’m tired. So bone wearily tired. I just want to fall asleep and wake five years from now, and find out the hard work is all done that I’m happy. I just what to crawl into my Mom’s bed and stay until the tears stop. I want to move on but I can’t.”

“Derek, it been what seven, eight months? Of course you’re not over it. In fact you’ve made leaps and bounds. Just whatever you do or don’t do do it because you want. Not to get back at people, not to please, but because you’re finally taking control of your own life. I’ve got to go I’m burning something in the oven. Haley sends her love.”

Derek just sat staring at his phone. Playing over that life he could have had. It wasn’t perfect but it had been what he wanted. Now what he wanted was to insure the suspects were protected too. Suspect and guilty weren’t synonymous and people forgot that. Derek wanted to be a police officer. Had wanted it so badly he had forgotten all about it. It hurt him. Hotch was right he didn’t have a criminal record. He hadn’t just been let out he had been cleared of all charges. The victim had written him a letter of apology. 

Derek emailed his old university.

-

It turned out that Derek’s criminal conviction was what stopped the university awarding him his degree. With that overturned his certificate was sent off in the post.

-

He applied to the police academy online.

-

He passed all the tests.

-

The interview was the worse bit. He explained what had happened to him, and why he wanted to join the force. It was hard and emotionally draining. His interview was twice as long as everybody else’s. He needed three times as many psych evaluations as the other candidates.

-

Derek looked damn fine in his cadet uniform.

-

Police graduation was better than sex. Well maybe that was hyperbole but it was an amazing feeling. He had accomplished something for himself. 

It had felt so strange to see life from the ‘other side’ so to speak. Derek had lived life as a criminal, just without the lifestyle choices beforehand. To be a cop was strange. He loved it. 

He took all the extra optional course. His interest in DIY made him really get bombs. He made some good friends. 

Spencer had moved away after completing his PhD they had never talked again after the day in diner. 

Hotch had moved back to Chicago. He was with the FBI now. 

Haley kept putting pressure on Derek to make the switch. She wanted someone she could rely on keeping an eye on her husband. 

-

Derek wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He was back in prison. And once again he had committed no crime. 

He was working undercover. They had evidence that a drug boss was still bossing from behind bars. He probably had prison guard help. Derek was working to try find them. 

There were a myriad of emotions involved. He had volunteered for this. He knew he was coming out. He knew seventy-seven ways to fuck someone up and back down again. But he felt like that young kid again. Just turned 21 and banged up. Prison is not nice. The company isn’t nice, the accommodation is sub-parr and the food leaves a lot to be desired for. 

He never told his handler about the panic attack he had had that first night. Locked up and scared. He had told his shrink once he was out. He knew he needed full disclosure with her. He had told her how the walls had closed around him. How he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t leave. It was prison. Why. How. No. But the morning after sitting tired in front of what he hoped was porridge he saw the drug boss. He was real, Derek hadn’t cracked, he could do this. And he did. 

-

Leaving prison that second time was a lot easier. It helped that the FBI talent spotted him. It also helped that Hotch picked him up. It didn’t hurt that his girlfriend Monika a Spanish dance teacher had waited for him. 

-

Joining the FBI was better than graduating police academy. The best thing about it was that there were so many more options available to him. So many more courses. His work on bombs and obsessional crimes improved. But it was when the BAU came into town that something in Derek just clicked. After they left Derek and Hotch both geeked out over a beer. 

They decided to race, to see who could get there first. 

-

Neither counted Spencer’s win, he hadn’t been part of the bet. Besides when the both of them finally made it they were in a higher position than him.


End file.
